When you’re not in sync

Despite living in a hypersexualized society, sex can be a contentious topic between partners in a relationship. It can be difficult to have discussions about sex when things are going well, but the thought of approaching the subject when things aren’t going well can seem almost insurmountable. Some of the most common and ostensibly overwhelming problems inside the bedroom result from differences in sexual interest. Sexual discrepancies between partners may be new or longstanding; sometimes they can be traced back to a specific life change or event, like a new baby, a change in job or an increase in stress on one or both of you. Or possibly, the differences developed slowly over time as one or both partners changed as they got older. Regardless of the reasons for differences in sexual interest and desire, there are some relatively easy ways that a couple can work together to improve their intimate relationship. While the ideas I’m presenting below are not totally new, they are the result of the much research I have done, and have been “personally verified” by me over time. A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 Just as people have different interests in movies, music, books and food, people can also have different desires and levels of sexual interest. It is unlikely that even the most perfectly matched couple will have the exact same desire for sex. Independently assessing each of your levels of sexual desire on a scale of one to 10, and then discussing the results can help you gain an objective evaluation of the natural discrepancy in desire. Recognizing and acknowledging the different libido “numbers” that you can have makes it easier to know that mismatched libidos are just that: not matched. Rather than believing that your partner (who likely has a low number) doesn’t initiate sex because they lack interest in you, or that your partner (who likely has a high number) is only ever interested in sex and nothing else, you can see a number and “just know” that your partner is different than you are. In our society, it is easy to assume that the one with the lower sex drive is the one with the problem in the relationship. However, what comprises a “normal sex drive” is relative, and the definition varies depending on a multitude of factors. Therefore, it is important to remember that assigning a number to your sex drive is not meant to assign blame in a relationship, but rather, to help characterize and understand each other better. CHANGE YOUR VIEW Once an objective assessment of each person’s sex drive has been determined, it may become easier to discuss the differences between partners and the patterns that have emerged over time because of these differences. It also becomes easier to empathize with your mate because you are able to imagine how it might feel to have a sexual desire that more closely resembles that of your partner. If you are the one with the lower sex number, you may often be turning down your partner when they initiate sex. However, by asking yourself how you would feel if you heard “no” most of the times you initiated sex, you might realize you would feel rejected or unattractive. Alternatively, if you are the one with the higher sex number, asking yourself how it would feel to always have to say “no” to someone may make you realize you’d feel disrespected or that your feelings were being ignored. Ask yourself how it might feel to always be the one asking or initiating sex, or what it might feel like to constantly be asked to engage in sexual activities. Exploring the effects that your sex drive might have on your partner is the first step towards better appreciating how differences in individual libidos can create larger problems, including emotional detachment, within a relationship. GO FOR QUALITY It is important to ask yourself and your mate what makes sexual interactions enjoyable and worthwhile. Similarly, exploring the aspects of sex that make it less enjoyable is equally important. Preferences around intimate activities can vary greatly between people, and these differences can become a source of contention in a relationship because of the sensitive nature of the subject. Discussing likes and dislikes about everything from positions and techniques, to physical location, duration and time of day can lead to revelations that can make future intimate experiences more enjoyable. It may be the case that making small changes such as avoiding a certain position that one person doesn’t like, or incorporating more touch, can significantly improve one or both partners’ sexual enjoyment. Placing emphasis on the quality of sexual encounters can also lead to discussions around sexual boundaries within the relationship. Setting boundaries in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily mean avoiding behaviours that trigger negative emotions or past trauma (although this can be one reason to set boundaries). Boundaries can also exist around specific dislikes that make it impossible for one partner to truly enjoy sex. Regardless of what these boundaries are, discussing and acknowledging them, and allowing both of you to feel safe and respected within those boundaries can reduce potential anxiety and stress from future intimate encounters. EXPAND YOUR REPERTOIRE In many relationships, particularly with heterosexual couples, sex means intercourse. Within this narrow definition, sex is usually only considered “successful” or enjoyable if both partners orgasm, and this makes for a regularly unachievable metric. When this limited characterization is not achieved, or is not enjoyable for either partner, one or both partners may be left feeling let down or inadequate in the bedroom. Expanding what constitutes “sex” in your relationship can greatly enhance the sexual experience for couples. Beyond intercourse, sex can include intimate activities such as massage, cuddling, mutual masturbation, showering together, or any other experience that one or both partners find intimate and enjoyable. Once different sexual activities have been introduced into the repertoire, you can discuss ways to combine these activities to create variable intimate encounters. Exploring how different intimate activities can meet the sexual needs of each partner can also be incorporated into the discussions about differences in sexual numbers. For example, a partner with a lower sex number may find massage more satisfying or intimate than intercourse or masturbation and this may be contrary to what the other partner desires. Similarly, a partner with a higher sex number may find masturbation with intimate touch to be equally pleasing to intercourse, unbeknownst to the other. By explaining how these different intimate needs can be met with alternative activities, both partners can feel sexually satisfied by doing something that pleasures their partner in a unique way. TUESDAY = SEX Scheduling sex may seem “un-sexy” and the complete opposite of what many people imagine sexual encounters should be like. However, setting aside specific times to be intimate with your mate actually has more benefits than just “making time” for sex. Knowing ahead of time that there will be an opportunity for intimacy can allow some people to feel like their needs are an important part of their partner’s lives. Life stressors, such as work, activities and kids often get in the way of spontaneity, which can increase the anxiety that can develop around trying to figure out when to be intimate. Finally, given the many stressors in today’s busy lives, most people will not always be “in the mood” at the same time every time. The reality is that couples who do not live together schedule sex more often than not. When planning date nights, sex is often expected and anticipated. Date nights lead to increased anticipation, more flirting and foreplay throughout the day and during the date, and include a mutual expectation of what is to come. These benefits can also be apparent on days when sex is scheduled for partners who live together, as both partners know that there will be time for mutual intimacy. When scheduling sex, couples have the ability to discuss and agree on a number of sexual encounters each week that is acceptable to both. It takes the pressure off of the one who may do most of the initiating in the relationship, and eliminates the guilt or anxiety felt by the partner who might say “no” more often. It allows for a middle ground, especially in a relationship with large discrepancies in sexual libidos. Finally, the schedule can be as strict or flexible, and as detailed or vague as required, depending on the discussion that was had about their sexual desires. Like any other relationship issue, the best approach to managing differences in libido and associated sexual issues is to have open and honest discussions. Although sex can be a difficult topic to bring up, remaining objective, open- minded and empathetic will help in making the discussion easier. Dr. Ginevra Mills is a reproductive endocrinology and infertility fellow in Montreal.

When you’re not in sync

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