Five tips for working with people you don’t like

Like death and taxes, it is a certainty that you will eventually work with someone you find disagreeable, frustrating and/or just do not like. Working with people we don’t like can generate a whole host of strong reactions (Table 1).1 This workplace challenge is nothing new, but its significance seems to be increasing for a variety of reasons, including the COVID-19 pandemic we are currently living through. The ongoing stress of the pandemic has impacted our sense of mental well-being, making working with others even more challenging.2 Our response to added sources of stress is unique to us as individuals and may not be recognizable to others, creating conditions that can result in conflict. Pharmacists face unique challenges that can complicate work relationships. The nature of our work involves the critique of work done by others (e.g., prescribers), which can naturally generate conflict. Our orientation to theory and evidence-based practice can create unsatisfying interactions with other disciplines that may prioritize individual experience. In many cases, our communication is conducted virtually by phone/text/fax/computer, which can be impersonal and too brief to foster a sense of collaboration and shared purpose. Finally, despite recent advances made toward greater prescribing authority, pharmacists are traditionally dependent on other disciplines to carry out our plans and are frequently seeking the agreement of others. Specific characteristics of the work pharmacists do and the very nature of our profession can set the stage for challenges in working with others—both outside pharmacy and within. This article provides you with five helpful tips that can “lower the temperature” in the room in the moment, as well as help improve difficult relationships. 1. Recognize the role of fear 1 in our challenging relationships The first step in finding a way forward to working with people we don’t like is, ironically, to examine what we are contributing to the difficult relationship. If we are honest, our negative feelings toward those we struggle to work with are often rooted in various fears: fear of exclusion, rejection, unfair judgment, failing, losing power, feeling stupid and looking bad in front of others, to name a few. Regardless of the specific fear evoked, our instinctive response is self-protective, but often unhelpful. When we can name the particular fear(s) we are experiencing, we can more effectively moderate our response and move closer to seeing the other person as an ally instead of a threat.3 Read: How pharmacists can help patients manage celiac disease 2. Be curious and seek to understand Everybody’s behaviour makes perfect sense to them. Attempting to understand our co-worker’s behaviour, even when distasteful or abrasive, is critical to identifying potential ways to move forward.4 Reflect on where the friction or heat in the relationship is coming from. This is necessary to diagnose the real issue and determine how we might be contributing to it. Focusing on behaviours (both ours and our co-worker’s) and not on the person or personality traits, helps to identify ways to move forward. 3. Be wise in distinguishing stories you are making up from actual facts It is a human tendency to judge ourselves on our intentions and others on their actions or behaviours. This has been referred to as the “introspection illusion.”5 As a result, we have a tendency to make up stories about what someone else is thinking and why they behave the way they do. It is important to be vigilant for introspection illusions and regularly challenge the stories we have created. We also need to be fair in our interpretations of others’ intent.6 4. Practise empathy by seeing others with “soft eyes” The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what things are like for them is central to practising empathy. While having as many facts as possible is important (see Tip 3), taking on another perspective inevitably involves making some assumptions. We can reduce friction by seeing others with “soft eyes,” and starting with assumptions that are compassionate. Seeing others with soft eyes allows us to see the good in them and assume best intentions. Remember that all sorts of outward behaviour—even that which we find confusing or offensive—makes sense to the person exhibiting it (see Tip 2). Using soft eyes allows us to remain open to the idea that what we see in others is explainable. 5. Take action Conflict aversion is natural, but can make things worse as unresolved issues add up. To foster a productive and healthy workplace, it is essential to summon our courage and actively take steps to address relationship conflict. As noted author and research professor Brené Brown stated, “There is no courage without vulnerability.”7 An initial step may involve taking the initiative to candidly discuss how to work together more effectively. Such a discussion requires mental preparation to prevent being triggered by honestly shared but difficult-to-hear messages, and to remain open to the positives your co-worker brings to the discussion. Regardless of the outcome, taking action means that you have done your part to try to improve the situation. Read: Patients in control spark new roles for pharmacists Summary Working with other people is often the most rewarding aspect of our profession, but it can also be the most challenging. There are huge rewards in “cracking the code” as to why interpersonal difficulties exist and how to address them. Part of this involves viewing ongoing conflicts as a dance instead of as a tug of war.8 When we can reframe the situation this way, we are able to recognize when we are moving to the music together (points of agreement) and can more easily discuss where we are out of step (points of disagreement), from a place of wanting to learn and not just be right. By following the five tips presented in this article, you can start to view that person you don’t like as somebody who’s on the same team. Curtis Harder is a Clinical Pharmacy Specialist (Adult ICU), Vancouver Island Health Authority and a Clinical Assistant Professor, Faculty of Pharmaceutical Sciences, University of British Columbia. Through his various roles as supervisor, clinician and educator, Curtis has developed a fascination with how and why things get in the way of healthy, productive working relationships and in discovering effective strategies to address them. Roxane Carr is a Clinical Coordinator, Pharmacy Department, Children’s & Women’s Health Centre of BC, Lower Mainland Pharmacy Services and a Clinical Professor, Faculty of Pharmaceutical Sciences, University of British Columbia. Very early in her career, a mentor told her that “not everybody thinks the way you do, and that is a very good thing.” Since that time, Roxane has been intrigued by interpersonal dynamics and how to create and contribute to healthy workplace cultures. REFERENCES Harder CK, Carr RR. Working with people you don’t like. Together Conference. Canadian Society of Hospital Pharmacists, March 21, 2021 (virtual event). Vanhaecht K, Seys D, Bruyneel L, et al. COVID-19 is having a destructive impact on health-care workers’ mental well-being. Int J Qual Health Care 2021;33(1):mzaa158. doi: 10.1093/intqhc/mzaa158. Glaser JE. Conversational intelligence: how great leaders build trust and get extraordinary results. New York, NY: Bibliomotion; 2014. Bushe GR. Clear leadership: sustaining real collaboration and partnership at work (revised ed). Boston, MA: Davies-Black; 2010. Pronin E. Chapter 1: The introspection illusion. Adv Exp Soc Psychol 2009;41:1-67. Doi:10.1016/ S0065-2601(08)00401-2. Pronin E, Kugler M. Valuing thoughts, ignoring behavior: the introspection illusion as a source of the bias blind spot. J Experiment Soc Psychol 2007;43(4):565-78. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2006.05.011. Brown B. Dare to lead: brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. London, England: Vermilion; 2018. Grant A. Think again: the power of knowing what you don’t know. New York, NY: Viking 2021.

Five tips for working with people you don’t like

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