Docs dating

In the Canadian film The Grand Seduction, the locals of Tickle Head realize that the doctor they are trying to woo to their community would be tempted to stay if he had a romantic partner. They suggest that the one single woman of the community flirt with him (she wisely and correctly refuses). In real life, that woman would be the doctor’s patient, making her a no-go in the world of dating. Standards of practice in all provinces make it very clear that that is not allowed. While necessary, it’s one of the many unique barriers that single physicians and medical learners face when they want to date. Whether it’s scheduling, limited time in the community or restrictions on dating coworkers, there are a lot of other ways that the practice of medicine acts as a built-in chaperone. Dr. Pooya Dibajnia, an internal medical resident at the Northern Ontario School of Medicine in Sudbury, Ont., said that dating has been even more challenging during COVID. With opportunities to socialize in-person largely unavailable, the only place to meet people, outside the hospital, has been online dating sites. “This can lead to awkward situations as patients may be on the same dating sites/apps,” he said. “Trying to strike a balance between maintaining a professional image in the community while trying to present oneself as attractive can be challenging.” After all, you can’t post a beguiling photo when a patient could be the unintended audience. Even when meeting people in-person is possible, there’s a general worry that you’ll run into a former patient, said Dr. Jessica Shanahan, a fourth-year resident in general surgery at the Memorial University of Newfoundland. “People tend to be a lot more reserved, because even as a resident in a bigger city, you still have a professional role that you’re supposed to hold in society,” she said, adding that this reserved behaviour might limit a doctor’s ability to meet people. In a smaller community, it may be even more difficult to find a non-patient to date, especially for established physicians who are members of the community and have treated many of the area’s eligible singles. HOSPITAL HEARTACHES As with many professions, physicians tend to meet potential partners at work. Again, there are formal restrictions. For example, the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Alberta (CPSA) has a standard of practice that outlines behaviour to avoid when it comes to romantic relationships. The basis for all the regulations is that when there is an imbalance of power, it is impossible to get true consent. Within the hospital there are so many power levels; hierarchy is established out of necessity for training and order. Where does that leave people who want to date? “A really important question for the physician to ask themselves is whether or not there is a power imbalance based on their roles as physicians. That’s a key factor that will determine the appropriateness in whether or not the relationship should exist,” said Jessica McPhee, director of communications with Alberta’s college. The CPSA standard of practice focuses on physician-learner relationships. “From our perspective at CPSA, we do take that very seriously and want to make sure learners have the best experience and are protected from those power imbalances,” said Shawn Knight, chief of staff at CPSA. The CPSA had to take disciplinary action against one physician in 2019, who made advances on a medical learner and touched her inappropriately after a post-work social event. His licence was suspended for six months. There are still workplace romances that are appropriate and ways they can be managed to ensure there is no power imbalance. A program director can schedule rotations so that the couple aren’t working together, or that one isn’t supervising the other. “There are lots of residents dating other residents, or residents dating nurses or other allied healthcare teams,” said Dr. Franco Rizzuti, a fourth- year resident in public health and preventative medicine at the University of Calgary. Of course, entering into a romance with a healthcare work colleague is the same as with any relationship: Make sure all attention is wanted. “Hospitals typically have harassment policies, so being mindful of those when approaching colleagues/other healthcare workers is important,” Dr. Dibajnia said. SCHEDULING ROMANCE One big barrier to dating? Finding time. Dr. Shanahan said that when she lists the time that she’d be available to go out with someone, it almost comes across as lying. “It sounds fake because it is so unbelievably limited. It probably just comes across as being aloof or uninterested,” she said, adding that even when there is time, genuine fatigue is also a significant barrier. Dr. Rizzuti explained that in many residency programs, you get only one week notice for your schedule for the next month. Trying to plan ahead to go on a date is a challenge, he said. In times when theatres and concerts are open, booking tickets in advance can be tricky. Finding time to date means making it a priority. “Time is something you make; if dating is important you have to prioritize it,” Dr. Dibajnia said. “Definitely not easy.” TICKING TIME BOMB Then there’s what Dr. Shanahan refers to as the “ticking time bomb.” As doctors train and establish careers, they move, often across provinces. This means that they are only in a place for a set amount of time, a turn-off for potential partners already established in their careers and communities. Dr. Shanahan said that in a place like Newfoundland, this is “probably one of the biggest hold-ups” doctors face when dating. For those doing shorter clinical rotations, especially in smaller communities, the time bomb ticks even louder. “It can be tough to date in a place where you’re not intending to stay,” Dr. Rizzuti said. The challenge extends to dating other physicians or medical students. There’s a couples’ residency match to look forward to, but it has varying levels of success in couples getting residency spots together. Dating someone who’s not in your year as a medical learner will probably mean extended separation for at least some time in your relationship. If you’re in the same specialty, job opportunities down the road may be scarce. SUPPORTING NEW PARTNERS New relationships are important to those involved and showing support to a partner is essential in any relationship, even in the early days. Dr. Shanahan said that in the medical community, where your job is such an important part of your life, coworkers are willing to make allowances for those with families or spouses. For example, a physician may have to leave early to watch a dance recital. People who are single or dating are not given as much understanding if they need to go to an event, Dr. Shanahan said. Their new relationship doesn’t seem as worthy. Providing little allowances at work to let physicians support a new partner should be a given, because helping physicians foster and strengthen new relationships is just as important as helping physicians maintain established ones. PANDEMIC PAUSE Being single is not always easy, especially during a pandemic. Dr. Rizzuti said that resident physicians who are single are commenting on loneliness during the pandemic. “They don’t have a mechanism to socialize outside of work,” he said. “Loneliness and isolation is a big concern for those who are single and don’t have partners,” he said. “We try and put supports in and offer virtually but it is not the same.” Dr. Shanahan agreed. “Being a resident and being single is definitely quite isolating, and COVID has made that quite worse,” she said. It also means that for those who want to date, it is done mostly through a screen. McGill University’s WELL office, which supports the university’s healthcare learners, dedicated their fall 2020 newsletter to being single during residency. The newsletter suggests that online dating might have benefits, in that physicians can focus more on the other person. “Stripped from distractions (e.g., restaurants, bars), conversations, their quality, and depth may become the centre focus. As current dating has curtailed fast-paced encounters, people may approach it more seriously and take time to really get to know someone, their story, and their values,” wrote Camila Velez and Dr. Martha Chamodraka (PhD), the postgraduate medical education wellness consultants at the WELL office. “I think with a pandemic going on, naturally the only people you meet are a) people at the hospital b) online dating,” Dr. Dibajnia said. “And while that can work, I think we all are looking forward to a time when we can put this pandemic behind us.” Whether a physician or medical student is meeting someone in-person or online, Chamodraka and Velez write that it is important to disclose some of the realities of medical life early on in a relationship. “This can help you determine if your romantic interest is understanding of this matter, and what you need from one another to make this connection grow.” Despite all the flings and meet-cutes involving doctors in movies and TV, dating as a physician or medical student does have barriers that other professionals don’t encounter. For those single physicians who want to date, doing so takes dedication in scheduling and an understanding from dates and coworkers that a physician’s life is like no other.

Docs dating

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