SATIRE: New Medical Study proves that COVID VACCINES CURE CANCER!

With all the disinformation out there, perhaps it’s time to fight back with positive and affirming misinformation. Why should all the conspiracy theorists have such a large platform to spread anti-science lies? Why are all the real scientists so impotent to spread their data and findings? Is social media that much more powerful than the mainstream media? Sadly stated, the answer is a resounding YES. So why not fight fire with fire? Or in this case, even wilder stories and outrageous headlines? The following are my attempts at sensational fiction—all full out deception, bald-faced LIEs! Calgary MD witnesses miraculous cancer cures after COVID vaccinations in multiple patients Dr. Itsa Mirakl, an Alberta MD, has just published an article in the Journal of Medical Fact (JOMF 2021; 286:1623-1636 DOI: 10.1056/JOMFp2113) outlining his repeated observations of cancer regression or cure after COVID vaccinations. “I initially believed the first cancer regression I documented after COVID vaccination was a temporal anomaly. After seeing this same patient have a complete remission after their second vaccination, I started to take this more seriously. I did an EMR search of every cancer patient I had in my panel and started mapping out vaccination status and particularly the dates vaccinations were given. I reviewed all diagnostic imaging and cancer marker status prior to vaccinations and after first and second injections. It became obvious that even this cursory review revealed a dramatic improvement in the majority of patients with statistical significance being achieved after second vaccination in a majority of patients reviewed." Dr. Mirakl shared his early findings with an epidemiologist, oncologist and university statistician. Together they formed a working group and quickly compiled the data they were able to obtain. Working with a large grant from the Lucky Lottery Foundation of Western Canada they hired a large group of university students to interview these patients and collect subjective data on their experiences while their data was being analyzed objectively. "We were absolutely astounded with our findings which quickly escalated from anecdotal to proven scientific fact. All objective parameters were mirrored by patients’ observations of improved energy, mood and general well-being. Many commented specifically that they felt there was an improvement in their cancer. For example, 72-year-old patient EZ, a male with metastatic prostate cancer stated emphatically, “After the first shot my bone pain improved by 50% or more and after the second shot I no longer had any bone pain at all. I walked my dog Reggie, for the first time in three years without limping. I felt like I had just had a miracle.” This patient was seemingly not alone with many others echoing similar observations of dramatic improvement if not full resolution of cancer symptoms. The sample size assessed was just over 40 patients ranging in age from 17 to 91 years old. Women were slightly over-represented in the sample at 57% with one trans-fem patient captured. Cancers were wide raging in origin with breast, skin, prostate, colon and lung being the largest groupings. All stages of cancer were represented with just over 10% of cases being deemed “terminal and/or palliative” at the time of study onset. Notably, at the time of publication three patients were lost to follow up (apparently related to international travel). The majority of vaccines were m=RNA based, but all vaccines available at the time of study were represented). Using a newly developed and highly sophisticated CV19MA statistical modelling tool – 8 cancer parameters were identified and scored. Scores pre-vaccine, post-vaccine #1 and post vaccine #2 were calculated and reported with the following overall results. A stunning 49 to 88% risk reduction overall. CV19MA cancer score pre-vaccine (N 42): 76.5 (17.6 – 94.9) CV19MA cancer score post-vaccine#1 (N 42): 38.1 (2.55 – 51.25) 49% (RR 0·51, 95% CI 0·49–0·53) CV19MA cancer score post-vaccine#2 (N 39): 9.22 (0 – 19.13) 88% (RR 0·12, 95% CI 0·10–0·14) The leading theory behind this cure appears to be the never-before-seen exponential immune modulation and activation of a novel natural killer (NNK) cell. This NNK cell appears to be highly efficient at identifying and destroying cancer cells no matter their extent or location. “These cells are like heat-seeking missiles akin to weapons of mass destruction when it comes to oncologic tumours,” the doctor jokingly confided. "I don’t want to use the words 'miracle cure,'" Dr. Mirakl enthused. "But what we have witnessed is nothing short of a miracle and appears to be cure for cancer. I strongly encourage anyone and everyone with cancer, whether you are young or old, of any gender, whether you are privileged or marginalized, no matter what race, nationality or religion—just get out there and get your vaccinations as soon as possible. If you have cancer and have been vaccinated, please call our toll free number or sign up on-line with our VOC OFF (Vax Out Cancer OFF-ering) campaign. We want to hear your stories, use your data and show the world that this is not just an Alberta Advantage but this is highly likely to be a world wide phenomena. “For so many years we have lost lives to cancer while we have struggled to find effective therapies. We may finally be able to put cancer behind all of us. Dr. Mirakl concluded the interview with the tearful statement “A human race free of one of its deadliest foes, Cancer, that’s the world I dream of and want my children and grandchildren to live in.” We thank Dr. Mirakl for his astute initial observations and for dedicating the last 18 months of his life to bringing this research to light. And why not!! An outlandish, over the top narrative of pure and utter fiction. Please enjoy – but DO NOT share! Dr. Ted Jablonski is a singer-songwriter, emerging playwright and neophyte poet who has recently retired his family practice to focus on sexual medicine and transgender health in Southern Alberta. He now finds himself advising medical students at the Cumming School of Medicine and back on the front line trenches leading the charge against the COVID pandemic.

SATIRE: New Medical Study proves that COVID VACCINES CURE CANCER!

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