Happy Mother’s Day! (Sorry, internist)

“I don’t think we should have to do call on Mother’s Day,” said an internal medicine subspecialist (redacted for privacy) when I was a resident.I nodded in solidarity. I knew she was saying this to me because she felt comfortable venting a little. She was a physician mother who had to work on Mother’s Day with me, a female resident physician who might become a mother in the future.She might have said a bit more before she studied my face. “You don’t agree.”I hadn’t said anything, but I’ve never had a good game face, so I told her, “I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day very much. It seems like a Hallmark holiday. But I think you should celebrate it.”She turned back to the patient’s chart without another word.Read: Dr. Melissa Yuan-Innes: I want to be a doctor because (taking off the golden handcuffs)At the time, I was a resident who didn’t have or want children until I’d safely passed my family and emergency medicine exams. I really didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day except perfunctory well-wishes to my mom and grandmother.That was before I experienced the agony of trying unsuccessfully to have children, when Mother’s Day began to fill me with dread. Do I have to smile and eat cupcakes? Should I say anything? Do I have to login to social media and congratulate everyone else who has healthy children?Once I had kids, I understood the internist. I no longer wanted to work on Mother’s Day.I still did work because my child’s birthday was in May and it was more important to me to have his birthday off than Mother’s Day. But I distinctly remember packing and posting my son’s photo and day care answers to the ER so that I could remember him as I worked:“My mother’s favourite food is . . . WATER.”“If I won $1,000,000, I would buy my mother . . . GROCERIES.”“Awww,” said the nurses. “Groceries!”I laughed along with them. That’s my boy.Another time, I worked a Mother’s Day and signed over to the night doctor, and a nurse said, “Of all the doctors to work today.…”“I know!” we agreed. They’d picked the only two physician moms to cover that 24-hour block. I’m sure it was more careless than malicious, but it didn’t feel great.As for call, financial independence now means that I work a lot less, and I firmly book off dates like Mother’s Day and my birthday that mean nothing to many of my colleagues, but are crucial to me. Obviously, life happens, and I pitch in when I need to, but otherwise, no.Still, the time lag to financial independence means that my children no longer make cute art for me at school. On the upside, this Mother’s Day, my son, Max, brought me breakfast in bed. The first course was fruit salad and giant tumbler of water, reminding me of his pre-school wisdom that I’m constantly drinking water.For a second course, he delivered scrambled eggs, shrimp rice pilaf his sister had made, toast with an egg in the shape of a heart and a jam toast heart.Anastasia capped it off with homemade chocolate cookies, and Max served a rhubarb crumble tart made by his girlfriend and her mother.It makes me sad that my children are growing up. I cried over what may be his last Easter egg hunt. But in some ways, my life is expanding. Now his girlfriend’s family is also helping me celebrate Mother’s Day. I sent cookies home with her to reciprocate.We make happiness as best we can. One of my colleagues did obstetrics call, helping to create new or extended Mother’s Days, and that is very beautiful. I might also find it meaningful to connect with someone on psychiatry on this day, for example.Another mother is running a race, putting her health and friendship first.Another is watching her kids in a soccer tournament.Inevitably, some of us will be disappointed by partners and kids and learners who don’t honour us and our day. Then please, please give the gift of treating yourself. You deserve to be uplifted and have everyone rejoice in your presence. This applies to mothers, fathers and any other human who is overwhelmed and under-recognized.Like one of my colleagues said about Canadian Women Physicians’ Day (apologies that I’m late for this too): “It sucks that we have to light our own birthday candles, but if we don’t do it, who will?”Light your candles and sing.And please tell me how you celebrate Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all the days!Dr. Melissa Yuan-Innes is an emergency physician in Alexandria, Ontario and the author of Sugar and Vice.

Happy Mother’s Day! (Sorry, internist)

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